The Toddler 10 Commandments
They are the 10 Toddler Commandments.
And they are long overdue.
I. Thou shalt not wake me up when I’m sleeping.
Seriously. Don’t ever do that. I am sleeping for a reason, in case you didn’t notice. And the reason is that I AM TIRED!!!! So wake me up if you feel so inclined, but there will be hell to pay.
II. Thou shalt not look at me.
I want your attention. I crave it and need it. But stop looking at me, especially whenever I am feeling moody/hungry/irritated/vulnerable/scared/happy/or when I’m in the middle of pooping my pants, which essentially, eats up all of the time except when I’m crashed out.
Remember. I’m crazy!!!
III. Thou shalt not stop me from coveting other people’s toys.
Or from breaking them, just to see how interesting it feels.
IV. Thou shalt expect me to make “a scene.”
And thou shalt not be disappointed.
V. Thou shalt not expect me to thank you.
Let’s face it. You give me nice stuff, and I don’t unleash the beast inside me. Gratefulness and all of that hippie crap is so 1967.
VI. Actually, thou SHALT run a restaurant.
You brought me into this world. I didn’t ask for any of this. So do your job! And make different meals for everyone tonight.
VII. Thou shalt make the TV do what I need it to do.
And what I need it to do is roll out The Cocker Spaniel Who Saved Christmas starring Tony Danza and the mailman guy from Cheers for the 55th time this month. Listen, you’re the one paying for all this “advanced technology” right? So just make it happen.
VIII. Thou shalt just change my diaper without a whole lecture.
Seriously, give it a rest already. Stop preaching about the stupid “potty.” I have no idea what that even means.
IX. Thou shalt not blather on and on to me about making messes.
Yadda-yadda-yadda. Making a mess? It’s what I do.
X. Thou shalt accept my crayon wall murals as the new reality.
Please, please, please tone it down. I mean, just shut up and Pinterest the beautiful free art I’m giving you.
The *Bonus* Toddler Commandment!
XI. “Enjoy it. It goes by so fast!”…Thou shalt never stop saying that.
Yes, it’s annoying. And yes it’s redundant, especially after you’ve said it or heard it a 1,000 times. But its true too, and that makes it alright.